I Love Sarah Jane… But Only As A Very Good Friend! // I Love Sarah Jane Short Film Review

Plot Synopsis:

Jimbo is 13 and can think of only one girl — Sarah Jane. And no matter what stands in his way-bullies, violence, chaos, or zombies-nothing will stop him from finding a way into her world.

Full Review:

I am absolutely drained out from all of my exams. Never have I carried out so much revision in my life and I still have a few more exams to go! I am as exhausted as Rick Ross on a treadmill. So when it came to deciding what film to review this week, I thought to myself “What is the cinematic equivalent to how I feel at the minute?” And the answer? Zombies!!! But not just any zombie flick… A romantic zombie flick! The reason for this is because I’ve seen quite a few attractive ladies in the exam hall!!! There is always a reason.

Anyway, I Love Sarah Jane is a quirky and very gritty romantic drama that, ironically, has very humanistic characters and rather compelling dramatic friction between each of them. But at the end of the day, I feel the same way about this that I do about my recent Psychology exam: the bits that were done well were done REALLY well but overall could’ve been just a tad better.

I’ll start with what I liked. The characters. There is a healthy variety between each character’s personality; our lead is shy and timid, his love interest Sarah Jane (played by Mia Wasikowska!) is bitter and owns one hell of a foul mouth, and those around them resemble chavs that think they’re so cool but are actually weak as brittle. Visit North London if you want to know what I mean!They all behave and act just as they should in an dystopian apocalypse; sad, angry, and hopeless. And they interact accordingly too. Everyone’s nerves are slowly shredding and they are unsure of what to do with themselves for good reason: it’s the zombie apocalypse! In short, each character felt relatable, authentic, and deserving to be included in the film.

Of course, no character is made without a great actor behind them. And thankfully, the acting talent in this short is IN SPADES!!! BA DUM TSS! (if you’ve seen the film, you’ll understand that pun!). Mia Wasikowska (Alice In Wonderland, Lawless) stars in one of her early roles as the no-bullsh*t persona Sarah Jane, and you can absolutely tell she was gonna go places! She is lean, fierce and commands every scene she’s in. And even better, the boy who plays our adorably sympathetic lead Jimbo (Brad Ashby) adds a lot of much needed heart to the film. The other three characters all kind of feel the same as each other and there isn’t anything greatly unique with how they portray their characters, so they unfortunately don’t make such a grand contribution to the film as much as Ashby or Wasikowska.

On the other hand, the screenwriter contributes something of his own: substance. Even though this is technically a zombie film, the divine characters carry the most significance throughout which makes it more of a gripping drama in the vein of The Road and The Walking Dead rather than a guns-blazing shoot-em-up. The film cleverly uses the zombie theme only to assist and heighten the drama and increase the conflict between our characters.

Unfortunately, the script trips over the hands of a brain devouring zombie and falls flat on its face, ready to be eaten for lunch, near the end. From frame one all the way to roughly the 12 minute mark, the film told a engaging story that took a unique twist of the tired tropes of its own genre. But sadly, as the film reaches a close, it retreats from it’s humble base and decides to take cover in the Cliché Camp. I won’t spoil what happens but the film’s final frames very quickly became painfully predictable and lost most of the overall credibility that made the film intriguing to begin with. Also, I feel that for what’s only a fifteen minute movie that it kind of dragged along a little bit too slowly which (only slightly) dulled the punch of the otherwise compelling drama.

But as a whole, did I think I Love Sarah Jane was a bad movie because of this? Hell no! There are way too many great assets of this film that are too hard to ignore, despite a few of them being tainted by the film’s faults. I still recommend this film as it’s a refreshing change to your movie loving system and overall it is indeed a extremely well made short. And as well as being cliché, the ending is quite gruesome. So this might not be for the faint hearted!

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Solid acting, coupled with arresting characters and bewitching turmoil. An invigorating experience despite inadequate ending.

Here’s a link to the short for you to enjoy in all of it’s gruesome and slightly heartwarming glory!

 

Cracking Movie, Gromit! // Curse Of The Were-Rabbit Review

Plot Synopsis:

Wallace and his loyal dog, Gromit, set out to discover the mystery behind the garden sabotage that plagues their village and threatens the annual giant vegetable growing contest.

Official Trailer:

Full Review:

After my disappointment with Aardman’s 1997 short film Stage Fright (see review HERE), I only remembered how great the studio’s other films are. Works such as Creature Comforts and Chicken Run, without a shadow of a doubt, trump Stage Fright any day of the week. However, I think it’s fair to say that the loveable duo portrayed in this film still remain the studio’s Magnus Opus. First introduced in 1989’s A Grand Day Out, Wallace and his adorable chum Gromit have won over the hearts of the British public as well as the rest of the world with their fantastic imagination and inherent charm. So now after three super-successful 30 minute shorts (and later followed on by a fourth short), the pair star in their own feature length film!

Released in 2005, I still remember when this was first coming out. I was so excited to see this since the claymation moguls are responsible for a small part of my childhood. I used to own all the toys and re-watch the shorts over and over again, never growing tired of the zany but light-hearted humour. So to see a 90 minute W&G adventure on the big screen was like heaven on a cheese cracker. Sorry, expect several references throughout!!! So what did I think? When I was a mindless child, I adored it. As a grown up stubborn teenager who thinks his opinion on movies is more important than others which is why he writes these reviews, I still really liked it but a few minor flaws have since been uncovered.

Let’s begin! The first fantastic factor of this film is that Nick Park and Steve Box, who made all the previous W&G films, take on all creative duties for this film (i.e. directing and writing), which is excellent to see! It is very rare in the movie industry that a film adaption of content which originated on a smaller platform (in this case short films) allows the original creators of said content to tackle the adaption head on. It shows that the studio care about the source material and respect what makes it so great in the first place. And that really shows throughout with the film with none of the humour and atmosphere being diluted or compromised.

All of the comedy enlightens the heart and tickles your inner child (not in that way!!!) despite most of the jokes just being a play on words and the use of a bit of slapstick. If used in any other film, I feel as if the comedy wouldn’t work as well as it would when our amiable inventor and dog address the same humour. There’s just something about their delivery that automatically makes it funny. Merely looking at Wallace’s cheesy grin makes me laugh! Albeit, I’ll admit that Wallace and Gromit really excel in dialogue based humour as opposed to physical humour, much like the old Looney Tunes cartoons produced by Warner Brothers. Although Aardman steer towards more physical humour in this clay crusade, Curse Of The Were-Rabbit finds a wonderful balance between these two conflicting styles of comedy which is bound to please both young and old, as well as long time fans and the uninitiated.

Personally, I’m not a fan of slapstick/physical humour due to my distaste of the original Three Stooges show (GASP! Shocker, I know!). But if done right, it can definitely work wonders. Thankfully, COTWR is injected with so much creativity and ambition I just can’t help but smiling! And if think that’s the only way to describe what makes Wallace and Gromit so brilliant: creativity. Only in this ‘franchise’ will you be able to get away with a giant killer rabbit that steals vegetables from a terrified neighbourhood! And when I say the film is ambitious, I mean that some set pieces are so out of this world it’s truly absurd (in a good way). I’m also referring to the film’s underlying messages about animal cruelty and… yes that’s right, eating your vegetables. But hey, the film has silly message for the kiddies to save you from addressing it yourself as well as a general message which everyone can learn from!

I could just rave about this dynamic duo all day if I could, but unfortunately there are a few flaws that need to be discussed. Just like Stage Fright, the film suffers from a weak villain in the form of the Victor played by Ralph Fiennes (Schindler’s List, The English Patient). He doesn’t have a lot of motivation other than being blinded by jealousy, which I feel is a bit of a cop out since just naturally being an arse doesn’t justify some of this guy’s decisions! I also feel that the film is slightly bloated. By that, I mean the way the film is paced just makes the entire movie feel ironically like a really long short. Maybe that’s because the runtime flew by me so fast, but at the end I kinda felt as empty as Wallace is when there’s no cheese in the fridge.

But at the end of the day, Curse Of The Were-Rabbit manages to do a lot more things perfectly than it does not-so-perfectly. It delights my inner fanboy, inner child, and my overall movie-loving self. If you want to watch an animated film that doesn’t make you want to squelch your eyes and ears into guacamole (cough, Frozen, cough), then this is a high-spirited, lively animation that doesn’t fail to disappoint.

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Charming, incredibly witty, and absurdly enjoyable. A much needed breath of fresh air. CHEEEEESE GROMIT!!!!

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few decades and you’re unaware of who Wallace and Gromit are, then I have two things to say to you. First thing is “SHAME ON YOU!”. Secondly, as preparation for this feature length escapade, you can watch all of the pair’s previous short films starting with A Grand Day Out, followed by my personal favourite The Wrong Trousers, which progresses onto A Close Shave and finally finishing off with 2008’s A Matter Of Loaf And Death. Each short is worthy of your time and attention. You can find them all in full on YouTube. Your welcome.

 

These Flaws Almost Scared Me To Death!!! // Stage Fright – Short Film Review

Plot Synopsis:

A vaudevillian’s act involving the juggling of dogs is no longer a hit. He and his partner must face a brutal villain and assorted obstacles in order to secure their future.

Full Review:

Last week, I discussed the very under-rated action film Collateral (see review HERE). So, I thought it would be fitting to talk about a fairly under-rated short film. And to go the extra mile, an under-rated animated short film! After winning the BAFTA for Best Animated Short in 1997, Stage Fright has sort of faded away into the fog produced by modern day CGI animated films. With this in mind, it brings me the (somewhat) pleasure to reintroduce this quirky, dark tale from yesteryear.

To begin, let’s get the obvious out the way. This is beautifully animated. Produced by Aardman, who are responsible for classic animated films such as Wallace & Gromit and Chicken Run, the use of stop motion is stupendously executed and is utterly seamless. You may not know this, but I’m a HUUUGE fan of claymation; it is obvious how much work goes into making these types of films and I’m astounded each and every time this studio produces something that exceeds my expectations of what they can achieve. Although this was made in 1997, it is somewhat refreshing to see this type of animation put to use in a midst of CGI.

And I’m kind of glad this was made in 1997 as opposed to modern day. Why? Because chances are this would’ve got shunned out almost immediately by modern day audiences. The gothic themes that are being expressed are out of the norm for most animations which makes it stand out more than it would without. Also, it was very wise for the writers to set the film during Vaudeville times since it doesn’t make these gothic themes seem out of place nor unneccesary; they fit perfectly into the short and even lend themselves to create a stunning scene at the end. There’s another reason why they set the film during this time period, which acts as a minor subplot (which I’ll touch upon in a minute), but I’m glad they took advantage of this era to give us some delicious visuals.

Despite the film being under-rated, I feel this is under-rated for a specific reason. Particularly because it isn’t all that great!!! The film has several issues which mainly relate to the overall narative and the sub-par character development. I should say beforehand that I understand that it is much more difficult to make the audience feel for the characters through such a small space of time, considering that feature length have a runtime of two hours to fully flesh out their characters. But Aardman have been quite successful in this area in their previous short films, especially Wallace & Gromit and their TV series Creature Comforts, so it’s a bit of a shock to the system that these characters don’t deserve 12 minutes of my time in the slightest.

First off, the protagonist doesn’t do anything worthwhile. He just mopes and doesn’t really do anything significant; his only purpose is to trigger sympathy in the audience. His predictament is understandable and definitely relatable to some but as a character he just isn’t cutting it. Off to the dog basket you go!!! His stage partner had a bit more interesting devleopment behind her, but her voice was so annoying! It just bothered me since she narrates part of the film and it unfortunately did not work at all, and it didn’t really seem as if she was putting in a lot of effort to give the best performance she could; it just came across as painfully monotone. Finally, the villain. Good lord, this is a generic villain. He has no reason to act the way he does; he’s just evil for the sake of it. Hell, his appearance looks evil purely because they could animate someone of that design! The worst kind of villain is one without any purpose, and unfortunately the villain is not the only character in this short that serves little to no purpose; it’s the entire cast.

I mentioned how there were a few narrative issues, specifically the lack of completeness for some of the story’s sub-plots, including the one I was eluding to earlier. The story deals with our characters transitioning between the age of theatre to the age of cinema. Unfortunately, the conflict and drama that occurs because of this only lasts for approximately two minutes. After that, it sort of meanders in the background like a passer-by foolishly waving behind a news reporter. It appears to focus more time on developing the friction between our protagonist (who’s by no means a hero!) and our antagonist (who’s by no means a villain!). But the trouble is, this friction isn’t interesting. The gist of the main conflict of the film is that the protagonist is annoyed of taking orders from the antagonist. That’s it!!! Stage Fright doesn’t try to go beyond a fairly dull humanistic conflict, which makes me question why it wasn’t a live action short when it very easily could’ve been.

It’s a shame to see a misfire from Aardman Studios since part of my childhood was formed by watching their films. So with that in mind, I’m sort of glad I missed this since it would leave me feeling down for weeks on end and cautiously tearing apart my movie loving innocence. I mean, it isn’t awful. But it definitely isn’t anything of substance. It’s quite forgettable and, with the exception of one scene, doesn’t really win you over with what’s being projected on screen.

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Delightful animation that pleases the eye, but doesn’t help you forget about major overall issues.

I didn’t hate this short film but it could’ve been a hell of a lot better, especially for an award winning short. Luckily, Aardman have a vast choice of shorts and feature length films that are more memorable than this one so, although you won’t gouge your eyes out with Stage Fright, I suggest you check out those instead.

If you still want to check it out, you can do so by watching the video below:

 

Fergie Film’s Five Commandments // Some Changes To The Blog

Heavenly Father, I ask upon you to update the readers of the Fergie Films blog. Pretty please!

Yes, this is out of the norm, especially when you consider that I’m an atheist! So if you’re around to read the latest review, then you’ve come on the wrong day; come back on Sunday. In fact, no! Don’t leave!! This news affects you lot too, so keep reading!! This is is a one off post that I like to call: Stuff-That-I-Think-Is-Important-But-It-Really-Isn’t-But-A-Full-Length-Blog-Post-Will-Be-Made-Nevertheless-So-Shut-Up-It’s-My-Blog-Wait-Sorry-I-Didn’t-Mean-That-Come-Back-To-Me-Darling-I-Beg-Of-You. Phew! That’s a big mouthful that even Kim Kardashian couldn’t handle!! Long story short, this is just a small update regarding how the blog is going to be run and how reviews are going to be posted. And for some reason, I thought I would post this update in the style of the infamous Ten Commandments. Why? Because I feel like it! Shall we get started? I think we shall!

Commandment I: Thou Shall Not Rate Short Films

From now on, short film reviews will NOT receive a rating at the end of the review. I’ve found that most popular short films are above average in terms of quality; they’re popular for a good reason! And most of the bad short films are very clearly done by amateur yet aspiring filmmakers, so it wouldn’t be fair to completely trash all their hard work. This change may also be implemented into my feature length film reviews as well but for the time being, they are safe.

The main reason for this change is because of a video I saw by one of my favourite YouTuber’s NerdCubed, who voices his views on rating scores and rants about why they are bullsh*t! It really resonated with me and deserves to be checked out. You can watch the video via the link below (skip to 2:01)

Commandment II: Thou Shall Post Reviews Twice Weekly

Remember that poll I posted last week? The results of said poll were quite evident that you wanted to see more reviews posted on the blog. And to be honest, I kind of agree! I’m not reviewing as many full length films as I would like to (due to time constraints) and I’m getting pretty tired of having to rely on short films since I know without a doubt nine out of ten times it’s gonna be good. So I will now be posting TWO reviews per week! I seriously wish I can implement this change with immediate effect, but unfortunately I can’t. It’s exam season at the minute and I want to focus as much of my attention and time to making sure I do the best I can. But guaranteed, after the 3rd June, this change will be in full swing.

Commandment III: Thou Shall Post Reviews On Fridays and On God’s Day Of Rest (Sunday)

As you’ve read above, reviews will still be posted on Sunday but the second weekly review will be posted on Friday. Simple enough! I don’t really need to say anything else about this!! Next commandment…

Commandment IV: Thou Shall Fathom An Abundance Of Trailer Reviews

Albeit, I wasn’t a huge fan of the original concept of my trailer reviews, which is why I don’t do them more often. But I still want to share all the latest trailers with you guys, since I know a gem of a film can have a trailer released in the same week as the next mindless action blockbuster, and undeservedly get overshadowed by it. So what I want to do is post something on Mondays which I call “Movie Trailer Mondays” where I link you guys through to all of the trailers that have been released in the past week. Along with the links, I will also provide a two to three sentence summary of my thoughts of each trailer. The first article in this, for lack of a better term, ‘segment’ will be posted on May 19th.

Commandment V: Thou Shall Encourage Servants To Follow Thy Lord On Twitter

Okay okay, this isn’t a change to the blog but it is appreciated! Seriously, if you guys follow me on Twitter I will be posting content I won’t be posting on the blog (i.e. latest movie news, an absurd amount of puns and jokes, among other wacky shenanigans). And Twitter is the place to be if you guys want to recommend some films for me to review. In fact, I urge you guys to recommend some films for three reasons:
–> I love discovering new films
–> I want to know what my readers would like to see reviewed
–> Some weeks, I have no idea what to review, so you’d be helping out!
And if we as a small loving community conjure up enough interaction between one another, I would like to put the power in your hands, where you decide what I should review after I’ve given you two potential films as voting options. So what are you waiting for?! Oh, you’re waiting for the link to my twitter aren’t you? In that case, here it is!
https://www.twitter.com/FergieFilms

Well there you go! That’s all the important updates you need to know for now!! Stay tuned for Sunday where a new review will be posted as always.

Bless the Holy Spirit,

Amen.

 

Slurs, Spaceships, And Side-Splitting Stupidity // Star Wars Day Special!

*There isn’t a poster, so I thought this would make a good substitution!

Plot Synopsis:

What happens when a Captain and his crew take the star ship out for a joyride while drunk? Find out in this cinematic experiment involving an entirely drunk cast and crew.

Official Short:

Full Review:

May the 4th be with you! Yes that’s right. It’s officially Star Wars Day today and what better way to celebrate than reviewing a short film about drunk people! The five minute short features elements of the Star Wars universe so I thought this would be incredibly fitting for the occasion. However, I know some of you will complain and rip into me about how there are elements from bitter rivals Star Trek that are being used in the video. To which I say… Star Trek and Star Wars now have the same director! So it shouldn’t matter!! So, let’s shoot this review into warp speed and get started!

I shouldn’t have to point this out, but you definitely should not take this seriously in the slightest. I mean, with the name of Star Drunk, you’d be stupid to treat this with the same seriousness as a film about the tragedies of World War II. The main niche of the film is that all the actors on screen are (allegedly) drunk and that the script was written while the writers were under the influence. With this in mind, it’s easy to assume that this isn’t gonna be like any other short you’ve seen this year. And it definitely isn’t!

The reason for this is because, unlike other shorts, this film has no narrative structure whatsoever! It is so loosely put together and many scenes and small moments are incredibly insignificant and out of place; it can be irritating to the die hard film fan. But that’s why this is comedic genius! It somehow manages to satirise Sci-Fi as a genre and wonderfully succeeds in doing so, despite having little to no set-up for their jokes.

In fact, these aren’t even jokes. These are just moments moulded by atrocious writing and overdone acting which come across as funny. It’s exactly the reason why films like The Room are so funny; it’s so obviously horrendous we respond with laughter instead of hate. And yet, I wouldn’t say this is “So Bad, It’s Good”. It wasn’t trying to be good in the first place, knowing that the actors were intoxicated while filming. Because of this, what we receive at the end of the day is ludicrous cinema and downright absurdity but you’ll always find the funny side no matter how you look at it.

I don’t really have much else to say about this. It is what it is; a stupid YouTube video!. But the fact that this is a ‘stupid YouTube video’ is why it’s so enjoyable. Nothing like this would ever be produced by Hollywood studios for the simple reason that they want success and good quality content. Unfortunately Hollywood doesn’t always get what it wants, but they will strive for it by any means necessary. The beauty of this is that we’re exposing ourselves to a kind of humour that wouldn’t have been touched upon if it wasn’t for the existence of the internet and the abundance of memes and Vine videos. When Hollywood are unable to satisfy our sense of humour, we as a society will turn to the inter-webs to reinvigorate the feeling of laughter that we lost during our viewing of Movie 43!

Out of all the videos you can watch on YouTube and out of all the (short) films you can watch on Star Wars Day, make it this one. It’s painfully hilarious and, although sloppy in narrative, delightful on every level imaginable. But if you want to re-watch the original Star Wars trilogy for the 37th time, then be my guest; it’s probably what I’ll end up doing! Or better yet, take your copies of the prequels and burn them! Six children will be saved for every DVD of The Phantom Menace that is burned around the world. Please make this a tradition for every Star Wars Day!

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Beyond idiotic, but ridiculously funny and full of hilarious absurdity. This is why YouTube exists!

I’m not going to rate the video since I wouldn’t know how to! Like I said, this is it’s own thing! Let us embrace it!! There’s actually another reason why I won’t rate it but I’m gonna save that for another post. But in the meantime, I hope you enjoy your day of cosplaying, and pretending to swish light-sabres while you actually swing a very old broomstick!

Have a good Star Wars Day!!

 

Terrible Title, Terrible Movie, Terrible Everything // The Art Of The Steal Review

Warning: This film is disastrously bad. To fully get my point across, this review contains strong language and mature content. Parent discretion is advised. Now enjoy the review bitches!!

Plot Synopsis:

Crunch Calhoun (Kurt Russell), a semi-reformed art thief, agrees to get his old gang back together to pull off one last heist. Also starring Matt Dillon, Jay Baruchel, Kenneth Welsh, and Katherine Winnick.

Official Trailer:

Full Review:

Although this already came out last year in America (as a limited release), The Art Of The Steal is set to be released to the UK on June 20th. And I had the divine opportunity to watch this before anyone else in the UK (Thank you torrent sites!!). Because of this, my responsibility to advise you guys on what films to watch has just increased significantly, therefore I’m just gonna spit it out. This is a cinematic representation of herpes. To call this a bad film would be like calling Hitler a prick; it just isn’t enough! I’m glad and, at the same time, ashamed to know about this film. Ashamed because of how awful it is, but glad because I get to rant about it to you guys!! Let’s get stuck in, shall we?!

You know how it goes; I talk about the good points before the bad points so I shall try to succumb myself to giving this film any credit. I will admit that the cinematography of the film is pretty nice; each scene has a distinctive look and feel and many shots are fluidly choreographed and executed. But remember, don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Another aspect that the film succeeds in is establishing some enjoyable chemistry between the two Interpol officers in the film (played by Jason Jones and Terrence Stamp). They are the exact polar opposites of one another and without a doubt contribute the best moments throughout the entire runtime through their banter and arguing.

But realistically… that’s it! The Art Of The Steal fails dramatically in every other department to the point of cringeworthy. Honest to God, this film has B-Class movie written all over it, and it’s not even that good of a B-Class movie. If anything, it’s an Z-Class!! In fact, this film has riled me up so much this will be my first uncensored review, filled to the brim with ‘F This’ and ‘F That’ amongst other curse words and insults aimed directly to everyone involved in this production. So without further ado, let’s fucking get started already!!!

Let’s go from the ‘I Let It Slide’ issues to the issues that had me screaming ‘Fuck A Duck You Piece Of Shit!!’ at the TV screen. Firstly, the acting is surprisingly sub-par. Hollywood big name Kurt Russell (The Thing, Death Proof) and Oscar nominee Matt Dillon (Crash, Nothing But The Truth) try their very best to give a good performance but unfortunately the material they are given is as poor as Nibbles the rat, and the direction from Jonathan Sobol (who also wrote the film) doesn’t stretch the actors to their full potential.

The second issue is the atrocious pacing. Luckily, the film finds a rhythm of some kind later on in the film but this is still a glaring issue during the first half. Within the first 20 minutes, the film has outlined a 5 1/2 year timeline, bounced back and forth between 5 different countries and very aptly introduced 10 characters. I don’t know about you, but that’s a lot of information to take in within 20 minutes!! And frankly, I couldn’t tell what was happening; I couldn’t keep up with any of the details at all and when I thought I’ve got a hang of it, our characters are smuggling themselves into fucking Detroit!! The fact that this issue isn’t the worst problem with the film should be a forewarning to those who are still on the fence about watching this.

Because some of you may think that even if the film is this bad that surely, with a wacky premise such as the one being showcased, the film has the potential to be mindless fun nevertheless. But nope. This is as boring as Victoria Beckham’s pout. Mainly due to the nonsensical narrative, there is nothing in The Art Of The Steal that captivated me and made me care about the characters and their dilemmas. There is a lack of action sequences, which is kind of expected for a film of this kind, and the film heavily relies on conversation and dialogue to keep you interested. And ultimately, the film falls flat on its face because of this.

Why? Because the writing is abysmal!! Many moments are absurdly generic and cliché, including a couple ‘Race Against Time’ sequences which you have no doubt seen before in other heist films. This makes the movie incredibly predictable and pain-inducing for the film fanatic. And what’s worse is the dialogue. The dialogue is corny and each line comes across as those discarded from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. You can tell that the film thinks it is funny and witty but it definitely is not. Far from it.

Speaking of the sense of humour, it is the worst I’ve seen in a while. Where Martin Scorsese’s latest masterpiece The Wolf Of Wall Street (see review HERE) has genius and downright hilarious humour, The Art Of The Steal looks like a drama compared to every other successful comedy. There are so many moments where the atmosphere in the room was tainted by the horrific jokes and quips. Even the jokes that have a big build up are just not worth it and other ‘funny’ moments translate to me as precariously attempting to induce a few chuckles from the audience via sexual references and foul mouthed language.

THEY EVEN RELY ON A GIANT FUCKING VAGINA TO MAKE US LAUGH!!!

If I haven’t made it all that clear, avoid this movie at all costs! It’s atrocious, pitiful, and a disgrace to cinema. The Art Of The Steal is essentially a poor man’s version of a Guy Ritchie film, so with that in mind don’t waste your time with this abomination and instead watch a quality crime/comedy film such as the stupendous Snatch or even the ludicrous Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. Don’t even take up space on your computer by illegally downloading this visual piece of fecal matter and instead live your life to the fullest. But hey, at least the cinematography is nice!

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Little to no redeeming factors make this a cinematic tradegy. Not recommended in the slightest.

Rating:

E+

Despite loathing the film, I thoroughly enjoyed writing this review!! Hopefully you thoroughly enjoyed reading this review and if you did, please share it with your friends so there’s no chance any innocent human being will be tortured at the hands of Kurt Russell.

 

Get Ready To Be Creeped The F*ck Out! // Tell Short Film Review

Plot Synopsis:

Tortured by guilt, Taylor (Todd Bruno) seeks to hide his sin in hopes that it will become another dirty little secret. However, as he begins to see menacing visions and the line between reality and paranoia becomes blurred, his plans quickly unravel. Also starring Brigitte Kali Canales.

Official Trailer:

Full Review:

That’s right! Another short film review!! My exams are coming up in the next couple of weeks so chances are the number of short film reviews will be significantly high until the end of June. Blimey! That’s a long time!! I understand, but at least I will still be posting! I was thinking about going on hiatus but I couldn’t even dream about doing that to you guys (despite my education and future being at stake), so if anything you should thank me!! Anyways, here’s my review of Ryan Connolly’s Tell.

Directed by the Film Riot frontman and released in 2012, Tell is a lengthy short horror film, clocking in at around 30 minutes, that will no doubt satisfy fans of the genre through it’s handling of suspense and tension, and most certainly will please the rest of the movie loving population through the array of talent scattered in each frame despite the occasional flaw. Long story short, this is a good film!!

First and foremost, I should say one thing. Horror is a fading genre. Now obviously horror movies are being released all the time, with this year already been subject to the dreadful Devil’s Due and the pathetic Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. But the problem is that good horror films are very rare nowadays since Hollywood is unfortunately relying on jump scares and loud noises in order to ‘scare’ an audience. Remember, there’s a difference between startling an audience and flat out scaring them!

Thankfully, Mr. Connolly understands this and takes advantage of it to a wonderful degree, by not filling his picture with undeserving pop outs and opting out of using grotesque images to conjure up reaction. Instead, he focuses on building tension and trying to creep us out to the max. A lot of Connolly’s shots linger on for quite a bit, which heightens the tension even further to the point where it could be cut with a butter knife. AAGGH! Sorry for the writing cliché!!! I should be burned at the stake for that.. AAAGGH! More writing clichés!!

Speaking of clichés, Tell very cleverly recognises the clichés that plague the horror genre and turns them on their heads, which not only makes me, a cinema fanatic that has seen these clichés done to death, appreciate the film even more it also makes it even scarier because you are not sure which path the film is gonna take. But do you want to know what else is scary? The acting talent!!

And what’s even scarier is the generic set-up for this paragraph! But in all seriousness, Todd Bruno (who also stars in Connolly’s other short Proximity) brings to the table his many years of expertise to give us a chilling, tortured and somehow sympathetic performance as the very complex-in-nature character Taylor; maintaining suspense through moments where his deeply layered psychological ordeal is slowly unfolding before us. The other actors, whom are small in quantity, do a fine job but I feel they don’t necessarily meet the standards of Bruno. Granted, they don’t get as much to work with but nevertheless the way they treat the material they are given isn’t handled as sublimely.

I keep mentioning how suspenseful and tense this film is but I should point out an underlying factor that makes the film so successful in this area. Tell wouldn’t be as suspenseful as it is without Daniel James’s slowly building yet pulsing soundtrack which moulds the main backbone of the film. Chords are struck only when they are needed and there is a surprising attention to detail in how the score compliments each particular scene. Watching and listening to Tell is a terrifying and nail-biting pleasure.

Of course, the film isn’t perfect; one issue is incredibly minor and the other a little bit larger. I felt that during a couple of scenes the tension drooped down a little, like a thin fibre string being stretched taught but then slowly loosened as the hands come to meet each other once again. Check me out with my hyperboles!! As I was saying, with tension this high being held onto throughout this much of a runtime, it felt somewhat out of place to be able to breathe normally! And I also sensed some jittery camera movement during some elaborately choreographed shots, which shamefully took me out of the film for a little bit. On such a low budget, of course Tell wasn’t going to be a technical and/or figurative masterpiece but these issues still need to be addressed as it is still Connolly’s contribution to short film cinema.

But at the end of the day, this is a film worthy of your time. If you’re a horror fan, you may have already seen this but even if you have, watching it for a second time may just prove to be beneficial in deciphering the scenes which expertly blur the lines between psychotic delusion and harsh reality. I know I benefited from it! And if haven’t seen this, then you will experience a eerie tale of terror that plays with your mind like a game of Scrabble, in which many events will stick in your mind long after the end credits.

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

A frighteningly fulfilling horror that taunts the psychological mind and greatly gratifies the inner soul.

Rating:

A-

Check out the link below to watch Tell in it’s entirety and comment down below to tell me what you thought of it. And don’t worry guys. Next week, I’m gonna share with you a review that I just can’t wait to write. Trust me, you’ll know what I mean soon!!

 

Captain America Review // The Winter Soldier is Blisteringly Hot!!

Plot Synopsis:

Steve Rogers struggles to embrace his role in the modern world and battles a new threat from old history: the Soviet agent known as the Winter Soldier.

Official Trailer:

Full Review:

Before we begin, can I just rant about annoying movie goers(!). As I was watching this film in the cinema, there was a young kid (about eight years old) sat with his mother in a couple of rows in front of me. Not so bad, right? Hell no! This demon child talked aloud throughout the entire movie, practically shouting about how that explosion was cool amongst other irrelevant topics of discussion the rest of the audience had to endure through as we tried to enjoy this two and a half hour action fest. My friend quietly laughed it off whereas I was reaching boiling point. I just couldn’t stand it. I don’t mean to sound harsh or anything but … I really wanted to smack the kid around the head!! It’s amazing how many people still don’t know that a cinema is NOT a place for conversation. So remember kids, when in the cinema, you need to shut the f*ck up!!

* Relieved sigh * Now that I’ve got that off my chest, we can now review the film everyone is talking about at the minute. Of course, it is the latest movie featuring the shield wielding personification of American patriotism. I am obviously referring to fan favourite Captain America and his alter ego Steve Rodgers, who make a return in this stupendous action sequel that is chock full with explosive eye candy that’s laced with a surprisingly intriguing premise.

Wait!! Hang on! I need to clear something up. This isn’t a film to be taken 100% seriously. Like all Marvel films, The Winter Soldier has a lot of cheesy jokes and quips as well as a few absurd and somewhat cliché moments. But that is part of all the fun!! These films are meant to stimulate and entertain, and this is no exception. So to give a fair verdict, I switched off my brain and didn’t look too deep into what the film meant. Instead, I engulfed on my popcorn and watched it like everyone else and I urge you to do the same.

So exactly how entertaining did I find this then? Well let’s just say I felt like a kid at a mega magic show. I was drooling with wonder and left wanting more. Thanks to the riveting action, you are hooked as soon as the film starts and from that point on, it is such a high octane thrill ride all the way to its spectacular finale that genuinely had me on the edge of my seat. How cliché, I know!. But the action wouldn’t be as invigorating as it was if it weren’t for the Russo Brother’s directing, who somehow managed to use shaky cam effectively and quite clearly knew how to frame each and every scene effectively. So big props to those guys, especially considering this was their first big budget action film.

And even though I said how turning off your inner critic would help you enjoy the film more, I have to say the plot was fairly sophisticated and well thought out for a silly superhero movie. Utilising themes of espionage, conspiracy and corruption, it really helped the film maintain substance throughout the abundance of fiery destruction goodness. And it gave someone like me, who mainly watches films for developed and engrossing stories, something to sink my teeth into. And amazingly, there was a few sombre moments (which I won’t spoil!) that gave the film some dramatic depth and really elevated the film to new heights.

Before we CAP off the review (see what I did there?! It was so fu … never-mind), I would like to say what I didn’t particularly like. These issues are by no means colossal flaws but yet are still noticeable. As I’ve mentioned already, there are moments which are cliché and down right stupid and some of which I just couldn’t ignore. Unfortunately, my enjoyment was very slightly diluted as I realised I had rolled my eyes during these specific points of the movie. If you have a higher tolerance for cinema that’s as cheesy as a guy that’s obsessed with awful puns, then you won’t be as bothered as I was. But then again, what did I expect from a Marvel movie?!

Another thing I wasn’t too fond of was a certain storyline/scene which, if I talk about it, will be classified as a spoiler so I will save it until the very end of the review under the heading ‘SPOILERIFIC!‘, so if you haven’t seen the film yet then DO NOT read all the way to the bottom of this article. Enjoy the film first and then come back to the site and read what I had to say. Please do so, since it helps my site statistics!!

The Winter Soldier was a tremendously amusing and incredibly delightful film that is absorbing in its entertainment value and compelling in its story. This movie has done something which the other stand alone Marvel films have yet to achieve; focus solely on the fun factor. This was the reason why The Avengers worked so well and the Russo Brothers understood that perfectly, and in the process churned out a fantastic action movie that is enlightening in every aspect. And I for one cannot wait to see what they do for the next Captain America instalment in 2016!!

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Gripping, exciting, awesome. A superhero movie of epic proportions. A true marvel from Marvel studios!

Rating:

A

Out of all the films you can watch at the cinema at this very minute, this appears to be the best option. For all the reasons stated above, The Winter Soldier is a must see and you will leave the cinema with a massive smile on your face guaranteed … As long as there isn’t a inconsiderate bratty child in the cinema with you!!

SPOILERIFIC!!!

Alright guys! We’re getting nitty and gritty into spoiler territory so if you haven’t seen the film, I’m giving you one more chance to leave and rush down to your local cinema to see it. You’ve been warned.

As I mentioned earlier, there was a particular scene in the film which bothered me and that was the computer scene featuring a A.I version of Arnim Zola from The First Avenger. There are a couple of reasons why this scene kind of fell flat for me; one of them being the absurd irony of watching the trailer for the upcoming Wally Pfister feature Transcendence, which focuses on the same concept of Zola’s resurrection, beforehand. Not done on purpose, I’m sure, but I found it funny nevertheless!

But the other reason why I didn’t like this scene was because of the hefty amount of exposition that drained my enjoyment away like liposuction, thankfully only throughout the length of the scene. This is a problem that all films which deal with a large amount of mystery in their plot suffer from (one of the biggest culprits, in my opinion, being French murder mystery Tell No One) but nonetheless, it seemed to be thrown in the film just to tie up all loose ends between The First Avenger and this unbelievable sequel. Fortunately, the rest of the film shoots back into action and my brain was left paralysed for a further hour.

So that’s why my grade isn’t significantly low but also why it hasn’t achieved the top grade of A+. I still loved the film and I hope you did too!

 

The Words // A Written Review Of A Film About A Book?!?!

Plot Synopsis:

A writer at the peak of his literary success (Bradley Cooper) discovers the steep price he must pay for stealing another man’s work. Also starring Jeremy Irons, Zoe Saldana, Dennis Quaid, and Olivia Wilde.

Official Trailer:

Full Review:

Okay guys, listen up. I’m going to share some personal news with you all. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Despite my adoration for film and cinema, my love for movies is mainly due to my fascination with books and novels. Ever since the age of five, I’ve wrote many short stories (which were all terrible) and have read many superbly written novels. And in fact, I’m planning to write a full length science fiction novel and hoping to finish it later this year. At heart, I’m a bookworm and I’m a proud one at that.

So when I heard that this film was about a struggling writer trying to break into the publishing industry, I was intrigued. And I was even more intrigued when I heard that Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook, The Place Beyond The Pines) and Jeremy Irons (Die Hard With A Vengeance, The Lion King) were starring. And when I learnt it was a drama, I was flat out excited! You guys know how much I love my dramas!!
So what did I think of The Words? I thought it was good, but not brilliant. I was immersed into the story, but my experience was tainted by a few bothersome flaws in which I will divulge into.

As always, we’ll begin with what the film did well. Like I said earlier, I was immersed into the story and that wouldn’t be the case if I didn’t care so much about the characters. With this being a drama, good character development was vital in making this a successful film and thankfully, every character had a excellent amount of substance and great significance. No matter what emotion each character is feeling, you feel the same as they do as if you’re holding their hand throughout, which is something every film should aim to do.

Of course, great characters wouldn’t exist without great acting. Fortunately, The Words has exactly that, which isn’t much of a surprise with the talents of Cooper and Irons being showcased on screen who play their respective parts well, particularly Jeremy Irons who effortlessly exudes emotion and feeling in his role. Zoe Saldana (Avatar, Star Trek) gives a good performance as well, and quite possibly the best I’ve seen her. But to be honest, the only people I didn’t like we’re Olivia Wilde and Dennis Quaid. I just found them slightly annoying and their characters seemed to belong in a bad RomCom, judging by how they interacted with each other. They don’t have roles that dominate the story much so it’s not a major issue but it’s still an issue I had nevertheless.

Apart from the acting, I was invested in this film due to how layered this film was. In case you’re unaware, the film bounces back and forth between three time periods; the past, present, and future. The story that takes place in the present is (very aptly) narrated by Dennis Quaid from the future time period, who makes mention of Jeremy Irons’s character who then narrates the story from the past. So, it’s a story within a story within a story… Story-ception!!! But seriously, each layer is handled well and given enough importance and dedication. So big credit to the film for that.

However, where the acting and the story structure excel, the writing itself falls short. At times, the story is very cliché and therefore feels a little bit like ‘Been here, done that‘, with scenarios such as the classic “Two Strangers Talk On A Bench In The Park” and the family favourite “Moving Into New House To Start A New Life”.Because of these clichés, the story can also feel pretty predictable, especially the ending. Although it was touching and eloquent, I saw it coming from a mile away. With a strong story of this calibre, its a massive shame that these factors bring down the film’s overall quality by a few notches.

I also felt that pacing was a fairly big issue. By that, I mean it wasn’t ‘in your face’ big but it was noticeable and consequently off putting. As previously mentioned, the film takes place throughout three different time periods and it is for this reason that we are unsure of how long each period lasts. I have no idea how long Bradley Cooper had to suffer through his ordeal and it’s repercussions since it is not addressed or even subtly mentioned. Just to prove my point, Cooper is told to get a job (don’t worry, no spoilers!) and yet a minute later, he’s nailed a work placement and then another minute later, he says he’s worked there for two friggin’ years! Films don’t have to show us everything, but I would’ve liked to see build up of some kind.

And whilst on the topic of clichés, the dialogue was a bit iffy and wasn’t incredibly original in some regard. As a whole, it’s just passable but during some scenes, you can kind of sense awkwardness and inauthenticity in the flow of the conversation and the words the characters speak. I may only be picking up on this due to being exposed to SO many films with dialogue exactly like this and I’m fairly confident regular audiences won’t give a toss about whether or not the dialogue seems forced or somewhat contrived. But I’m not regular, so I do give a toss about it!!

It really irritates me that The Words has a inviting story that’s on the verge of riveting, but is unfortunately scattered with amateurish imperfections in how it’s executed. The script could’ve been improved by a substantial amount but I will say that the enjoyability of the film isn’t degraded because of this. I didn’t want to kill myself while watching this film, which is an added bonus(!), and I definitely don’t regret seeing it as it has some very moving and wonderfully composed moments. But at the end of the day, I have to compare it to an attractive woman with a terrible personality. It’s beautiful on the surface, but it’s inherent flaws sadly cannot be ignored.

Fergie’s Final Fifteen:

Poignant and captivating, but is woefully ironic in its flaws. Not painful but not magnificient.

Rating:

C+

I liked the film for what it was trying to do; to tell a great story in a midst of rehashed and unoriginal Hollywood films. Ultimately, I would still recommend the film but just keep in mind that you should not expect the same level of filmmaking as Citizen Kane or the same quality of screenwriting as any one of Quentin Tarantino’s movies. Enjoy the film for what it is and you will have a good time.

 

April Fools Countdown // Top 5 Comedies

Just like I promised! As you can clearly see, I’m not reviewing anything but instead, telling you guys my favourite comedies that always manage to make me laugh despite having seen each of them multiple times. Keep in mind, I’m judging these movies upon how much they make me laugh, their replay value and their overall substance. And remember, my sense of humour is going to be different to yours so if your favourite comedy is Grown Ups 2, chances are your sense of humour doesn’t match mine! This list as well as every other list is merely opinion and you are not obliged to agree with it. Although it would be nice if you did. Enough rambling! Without further ado, here are my Top 5 Comedies!

5. The Room (2003)

And to kick off the list, we have the pinnacle of So-Bad-They’re-Good movies. Okay okay! You got me!! This isn’t a comedy. But it definitely isn’t a drama, is it?! Seriously, how can this film be taken seriously? It’s so awful and unintentionally hilarious, I have to classify it as a comedy under federal law. I just have to! The Room is so tremendously and at the same time so poorly written; being held responsible for the famous line “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART LISA!! among other comedy gold nuggets. The plot is absurd, the direction is abysmal and it is filled to the brim with atrocious acting; you really can’t help but laugh. Even the poster is laughable! Therefore, it is my fifth favourite comedy. Shut up! It’s my list!!

4. Shaun of The Dead (2004)

The first film in Edgar Wright’s loosely connected Cornetto Trilogy (also consisting of Hot Fuzz and The World’s End), is a modern classic for a reason. The comedy is not only incredibly funny, it feels genuine as well. At no point does a joke seem forced; every line is delivered to a sublime degree which is refreshing to see in the midst of poorly executed comedies that have been released recently. Yes, I’m looking at you Scary Movie V!! And the fact that this is a zombie flick as well is an added bonus, which means that not only are we laughing, but we get to see some glorious scenes featuring blood and gore. What more could you want?!

3. Liar Liar (1997)

This has a special place in my heart since when I was younger, I used to watch this film on repeat all the time for it’s enjoyable wackiness and Jim Carey’s hilarious performance. He wrestles with a pen for crying out loud!! Looking back at it, it’s just as good now as it was when I watched it as a mindless eight year old. Because of it’s superb writing, Liar Liar is not only outstanding in the comedy department, giving us excellent scenes and lines, it is also really heartwarming and touching which makes it much more than just a silly comedy. Despite it’s loony premise, Liar Liar is something everyone can enjoy and manages to be sophisticated in execution and infallible in entertainment.

2. The Wolf Of Wall Street (2013)

Having only watched this recently, it’s pretty impressive for a film to catapult it’s way into any of my Top 5 lists so quickly. But I cannot ignore the cramps I suffered from after crying with laughter during many scenes throughout this three hour riot. So, I had no other choice but to include this film in the list; it’s just THAT good! And to be honest, the only reason why this isn’t number one on my list is because of the lengthy runtime, but that does not dilute the ingenious writing, the gorgeous direction, and the fantastic acting. I won’t speak too much more since I’ve already done a full length review (see it here), but I will say that TWoWS is a comedic masterpiece that will live on in my memory for many years to come. LEMMON QUAALUDES FTW!!!

1. Howard The Duck (1986)

I LOVE this film! Every scene is perfection and the writing is simply amazing. Howard The Duck is true comedy gold that never fails to make me laugh….

HAHAHAHA!!! APRIL FOOLS!! BOY I GOT YOU GOOD!!!! XD

Did you really think I was going to choose Howard The Duck as my favourite comedy?!?! In all honesty, I can’t believe you fell for that! Don’t worry people, we’ll give that film the top spot for my Bottom 5 list in the near future. But let’s get back on track and unveil the real top spot winner.

1. Monty Python and The Holy Grail (1975)

If you know me personally, you might’ve saw this coming. I quote this uniquely offbeat classic everyday for a good reason. There are SO many hilarious lines! From the knights who say Ni, to the Holy Hand Grenade, and all the way to the terrific Bridge of Death sequence, Monty Python and The Holy Grail is a stupendous collection of scenes and skits that have me burst out laughing every single time I see them, even if I’ve seen the film 227 bloody times already! This is Monty Python at their very best and a perfect example of comedy that’s clever and intelligent even when the sketches are incredibly zany and bizzare. If you’re unfamiliar with Monty Python, The Holy Grail demands your attention and will award you with hundreds of quotes to store in your arsenal of movie lines, always at the ready. And if you don’t like this film, then I fart in your general direction!

And there you go! Five of my favourite comedies put into a list for you all to enjoy. I hope you’ve enjoyed this small compilation and I wish to do more in the future so you better get used to it! Thanks for reading and of course, a proper review will be posted on Sunday as per usual.

“All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a little girl”

– Charlie Chaplin