Warning: This film is disastrously bad. To fully get my point across, this review contains strong language and mature content. Parent discretion is advised. Now enjoy the review bitches!!
Plot Synopsis:
Crunch Calhoun (Kurt Russell), a semi-reformed art thief, agrees to get his old gang back together to pull off one last heist. Also starring Matt Dillon, Jay Baruchel, Kenneth Welsh, and Katherine Winnick.
Official Trailer:
Full Review:
Although this already came out last year in America (as a limited release), The Art Of The Steal is set to be released to the UK on June 20th. And I had the divine opportunity to watch this before anyone else in the UK (Thank you torrent sites!!). Because of this, my responsibility to advise you guys on what films to watch has just increased significantly, therefore I’m just gonna spit it out. This is a cinematic representation of herpes. To call this a bad film would be like calling Hitler a prick; it just isn’t enough! I’m glad and, at the same time, ashamed to know about this film. Ashamed because of how awful it is, but glad because I get to rant about it to you guys!! Let’s get stuck in, shall we?!
You know how it goes; I talk about the good points before the bad points so I shall try to succumb myself to giving this film any credit. I will admit that the cinematography of the film is pretty nice; each scene has a distinctive look and feel and many shots are fluidly choreographed and executed. But remember, don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Another aspect that the film succeeds in is establishing some enjoyable chemistry between the two Interpol officers in the film (played by Jason Jones and Terrence Stamp). They are the exact polar opposites of one another and without a doubt contribute the best moments throughout the entire runtime through their banter and arguing.
But realistically… that’s it! The Art Of The Steal fails dramatically in every other department to the point of cringeworthy. Honest to God, this film has B-Class movie written all over it, and it’s not even that good of a B-Class movie. If anything, it’s an Z-Class!! In fact, this film has riled me up so much this will be my first uncensored review, filled to the brim with ‘F This’ and ‘F That’ amongst other curse words and insults aimed directly to everyone involved in this production. So without further ado, let’s fucking get started already!!!
Let’s go from the ‘I Let It Slide’ issues to the issues that had me screaming ‘Fuck A Duck You Piece Of Shit!!’ at the TV screen. Firstly, the acting is surprisingly sub-par. Hollywood big name Kurt Russell (The Thing, Death Proof) and Oscar nominee Matt Dillon (Crash, Nothing But The Truth) try their very best to give a good performance but unfortunately the material they are given is as poor as Nibbles the rat, and the direction from Jonathan Sobol (who also wrote the film) doesn’t stretch the actors to their full potential.
The second issue is the atrocious pacing. Luckily, the film finds a rhythm of some kind later on in the film but this is still a glaring issue during the first half. Within the first 20 minutes, the film has outlined a 5 1/2 year timeline, bounced back and forth between 5 different countries and very aptly introduced 10 characters. I don’t know about you, but that’s a lot of information to take in within 20 minutes!! And frankly, I couldn’t tell what was happening; I couldn’t keep up with any of the details at all and when I thought I’ve got a hang of it, our characters are smuggling themselves into fucking Detroit!! The fact that this issue isn’t the worst problem with the film should be a forewarning to those who are still on the fence about watching this.
Because some of you may think that even if the film is this bad that surely, with a wacky premise such as the one being showcased, the film has the potential to be mindless fun nevertheless. But nope. This is as boring as Victoria Beckham’s pout. Mainly due to the nonsensical narrative, there is nothing in The Art Of The Steal that captivated me and made me care about the characters and their dilemmas. There is a lack of action sequences, which is kind of expected for a film of this kind, and the film heavily relies on conversation and dialogue to keep you interested. And ultimately, the film falls flat on its face because of this.
Why? Because the writing is abysmal!! Many moments are absurdly generic and cliché, including a couple ‘Race Against Time’ sequences which you have no doubt seen before in other heist films. This makes the movie incredibly predictable and pain-inducing for the film fanatic. And what’s worse is the dialogue. The dialogue is corny and each line comes across as those discarded from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. You can tell that the film thinks it is funny and witty but it definitely is not. Far from it.
Speaking of the sense of humour, it is the worst I’ve seen in a while. Where Martin Scorsese’s latest masterpiece The Wolf Of Wall Street (see review HERE) has genius and downright hilarious humour, The Art Of The Steal looks like a drama compared to every other successful comedy. There are so many moments where the atmosphere in the room was tainted by the horrific jokes and quips. Even the jokes that have a big build up are just not worth it and other ‘funny’ moments translate to me as precariously attempting to induce a few chuckles from the audience via sexual references and foul mouthed language.
THEY EVEN RELY ON A GIANT FUCKING VAGINA TO MAKE US LAUGH!!!
If I haven’t made it all that clear, avoid this movie at all costs! It’s atrocious, pitiful, and a disgrace to cinema. The Art Of The Steal is essentially a poor man’s version of a Guy Ritchie film, so with that in mind don’t waste your time with this abomination and instead watch a quality crime/comedy film such as the stupendous Snatch or even the ludicrous Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. Don’t even take up space on your computer by illegally downloading this visual piece of fecal matter and instead live your life to the fullest. But hey, at least the cinematography is nice!
Fergie’s Final Fifteen:
Little to no redeeming factors make this a cinematic tradegy. Not recommended in the slightest.
FERGIE FILMS 